Hey gang, Ben here. Maybe it’s all the Denver Police corruption cases in the news right now. Maybe my 8-5 job is making me feel like a big phony. Maybe it’s being cooped up for the winter. Lately I’ve been struck with an overwhelming lizard-brain need to stick it to The Man. When I’m thrown in the clink for beating up some punk who looked at me funny, I’ll remember my heroes…
5. Wade “Cry-Baby” Walker – Cry-Baby
Does it count as teen rebellion if you’re being encouraged to rebel by your grandpa, who, incidentally, is Iggy Pop? Wade “Cry-Baby” Walker (Johnny Depp) is not bad, per se, he’s just too rock’n’roll for the squares. Cry-Baby pisses off the squares when he goes after their golden girl, Allison (Amy Locane), so I suppose his biggest crime is dating outside his station. He does have a badass gang called the Drapes. Cry-Baby’s daddy was sent to the electric chair, which is why electricity makes him CRAZY!
4. Rocky Sullivan – Angels with Dirty Faces
Not only is Rocky Sullivan (James Cagney) a famous teen rebel around Brooklyn himself, but once he’s all grown up and gets outta the joint, he mentors a group of young hooligans – the Dead End Gang – in the ways of respectable delinquency. It’s like Lil’ Rascals, but they’ll beat the shit out of you and steal your wallet.
3. Luke Skywalker – Star Wars
Before he was a Rebel with a capital “R,” Luke Skywalker was a shitkicking backwoods punk, probably due to subconscious abandonment issues. He complains about doing his chores. He “bullseyes wamprats” – I think that’s some kind of tagging term. His best friend’s name is Wedge – probably some new wave rabble rouser with a silly haircut.
2. Billie Jean – The Legend of Billie Jean
“Fair is fair.” Billie Jean (Helen Slater) is the most righteous of the juvenile delinquents. All she wants is the money to fix her lil’ brother Christian Slater’s scooter after it gets trashed by some local thugs and also to not get raped by said thugs’ dad. Is that so much to ask? In the process she is ostracized by the law and becomes an accidental folk hero. Pat Benetar has never sounded better than as the soundtrack to the Billie Jean Underground Railroad.
1. Scarlett Hazeltine – One, Two, Three
Scarlett Hazeltine (Pamela Tiffin) is the number one teen rebel of all time. Her dad is the all-American, white bread, steak-and-potatoes CEO of Coca-Cola from Atlanta, GA. But this Southern belle doesn’t take shit from dad, surrogate-dad James Cagney (who ranked #4 on this very list), or anybody. To show her starch-shirted guardians what-for, she marches right into East Berlin and elopes with a Commie. Go grrl.
-Ben