OHMYGOD WILLIAM AND KATE. Can you even fucking believe that two rich white assholes are getting married? I can’t, but I am so goddamn excited I think I’m gonna poop (just kidding)(about the excitement, not the poop). I watched the Lifetime original movie called William and Kate: The Road to Being Married, Boring and Dumb last night (actual hilarious subtitle: “Let Love Rule”. Hahahahahahafart), and it was like watching two semi-animate bags of flour act out articles from US Weekly for two hours + commercials.
Notably absent from the made-for-TV-docudrama of our modern age was Queen Elizabeth, William’s bad-ass muthafucka grandmother. You know why? DHM (Dame Helen Mirren) was too fucking expensive, and that’s the only person anyone will ever accept as the Queen. Even if the 4 realz Queen Elizabeth for some reason decided to do a reality show, I assume they’d just find a way to hire DHM to reenact any footage shot. When I picture the Queen, I actually picture DHM.
The Queen is all about how Princess Diana was kind of a D-bag to the Queen, and vice versa, and how when Diana died she continued to be a nuisance, and also turned into a huge deer or something, and that forced QE to go on television and say something about it. (I’m sick and super hopped up on cold medicine, so that’s the plot synopsis you’re going to have to deal with if you haven't seen it).
Maybe you couldn’t tell, but I’m Team Queen all the way. When you marry into a family with an estimated wealth of a MEGAtraillion $$$, it comes with a certain set of rules, especially if you’re pretty and your mother-in-law is DHM/the Queen. One of those rules is that you must tolerate your uggo husband having an affair with an even more uggo lady, and that if you divorce him, don’t date an Arab and for crying out loud don’t die in a car crash because it’ll be super inconvenient for everyone. (I mean no disrespect to the real dead, just the docudrama dead. I think Diana was probably perfectly nice in real life).
The great irony of The Queen is that it’s main character is, in fact, the villain of the piece. The “hero” is Prime Minister Tony Blair (Michael Sheen), who forces DHM, over the course of the seven or so days following Diana’s death, to go on TV and have an expensive tacky funeral. But, see, Tony Blair is BOOOO-ring, and the Queen is awesome. Everywhere she goes she is flanked by a brigade of corgis, and her nickname is “Cabbage” - these two items alone make her worthy of royalty, regardless of bloodline.
The Queen is really, really good. It’s also ridiculous and hilarious. DHM plays it pretty straight, but she also winks a little bit. That Kabuki makeup in the poster tips her hand just slightly… Without having seen into the future, I can already tell you that it’s 100% better and 500% shorter than THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY. I'm going to have to cut this short though, because I have to get up early for, uh, work. Yeah. Work. -Ryan