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Avatar makes people go KRAZY

Okay, full disclosure. I didn’t like Avatar that much. There, I said it.

Don’t get me wrong. The effects, the 3-D, the ‘world building’…all amazing and magical. There was a certain hyper-diorama-ness to much of that universe coupled with the 3-D that I think is really cool. Call me a humbug, but I just couldn’t connect to that “Unobtanium,” “Pandora,” tree-of-life bullshit whacking me over the head every couple minutes. I know this isn’t a unique view. I’m just another whining voice of the inevitable Avatar backlash, blah blah blah. But please don’t try and tell me that this movie holds a candle to Aliens or Terminator. Just don’t.

As a guest at Harry Knowles’ Butt-Numb-A-Thon this year, I saw the movie a couple weeks before it came out. It didn’t help that it directly followed Kick Ass, one of the best single movie screenings I have ever attended. The audience was literally cheering at the top of their lungs at the end of that one. In some ways, 3 hours of technical wizardry and colonialist fan fiction could never have one-upped this audience primed for pure visceral adrenaline rush. Which is ironic, I suppose, considering that “pure visceral adrenaline rush” was probably one of Avatar’s primary intentions.

I remember reading an interview with James Cameron right after I saw it where the interviewer asked who the audience for Avatar was. Cameron responded with something to the effect of, “It cost so much money to make, it will be a failure unless it appeals to literally everyone.” I thought to myself, “this movie will be a colossal disaster.” I mean there’s no way my grandma will like this movie.

Um…I guess I don’t know my grandma that well. Avatar is making so much money, pretty soon James Cameron will finally be able to realize his lifelong dream of taking a Scrooge McDuck Bath.

But there is one thing I absolutely unabashedly adore about Avatar: it makes people go KRAZY!!!! My favorite thing about a big event movie like this is the media blitz that surrounds it and the whackos that it brings out of their basements to do KRAZY things.

To wit:

1. Avatar Hallelujah Mountain

Prove to James Cameron how much you love Avatar. You saw it 5 times? Amateur. You named your cat Neytiri? Bitch, please. These folks named their fucking mountain after Avatar. Face the facts: you just can’t compete.

Read it here.

2. Avatar XXX

The notable element in this story is not that Hustler has already announced its porn parody, This Ain’t Avatar XXX. Rather, it is creepy old James Cameron’s Playboy interview. If I understand him correctly, he gave the Na’vi boobs not because it made anatomical sense, but because it was hot. Like….urggghhhh….

Read it here.

3. Avatar causes suicidal depression

This might not be the clinically responsible thing to say to someone experiencing suicidal thoughts, but…Get a fucking life, nerd!

Read it here.

4. Avatar advocates smoking

I’m down with all the accusations that Avatar is racist and colonialist. It is. I don’t care if I’m a hater. But according to these folks, Avatar promotes smoking because…drum roll, please…there is smoking in it. As in, a character smokes in the movie. Or maybe they feel that Avatar teaches children that if they ravage their bodies with cancer, they can always just transport their consciousness to a healthy 10 ft. tall blue alien body, in which case, I agree. That is a terrible thing to teach our children.

Read it here.

5. Man Killed by Avatar

It has been a classic horror movie gimmick from Frankenstein all the way up to last year’s Paranormal Activity: put an ambulance outside of the theater ‘just in case somebody dies of fright.’ It’s a fun gimmick, and usually makes the movie seem scarier than it actually is. Avatar, however, has trumped them all, and has actually killed a human being! According to his doctor, this man became so excited watching Avatar, he had a stroke and died. No shit.

Read it here.

6. Avatar proves that the U.S. faked the 9/11 attacks

I saved the best for last. No commentary necessary. I quote the former Prime Minster of Malaysia: “There is strong evidence that the [Sept. 11] attacks were staged. If they can make Avatar, they can make anything.” He has some nice things to say about Jewish people, too.

Read it here.

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