Hey gang, thought I’d follow yesterday’s review of the too-safe kids movie Astro Boy with a review of the absolutely mental kids movie, Forrest Warrior.
Forest Warrior belongs in two dubious filmic traditions. The first is the rash of eco-conscious kids movies from the 90’s like Ferngully that really don’t have a cogent message other than, we need to protect nature and pollution is bad. The other tradition is kids media that is more likely to be enjoyed by adults with the aid of substances.Shot during the peak of Walker Texas Ranger and the Clinton administration, Forrest Warrior is Chuck Norris’ attempt at a kids movie. In it he plays John McKenna, a 1800’s mountain man who is killed in a dirty fight. Through some Indian magic though, McKenna’s spirit protects a mountain in Oregon. Did I mention that McKenna can also turn into a wolf, an eagle, or a bear?
Forest Warrior follow the basic plot that all of these movies do. A group of kids (a tough one, a nerdy one, a compassionate one, a young one, and a girl) has an awesome tree house on a mountain that their families have been enjoying for ages. All is well in the world as they make friends with a baby bear who swims and scampers with them. Their retreat is so nice that the girl of the group is able to be a kid and not deal with her alcoholic dad. The mom of two of the other kids is played by Hot Lips Hoolihan. On cue a lumber baron comes into the area and decides to deforest the mountain because he’s got a personal vendetta against the forest.From there it plays out exactly how you expect in familiar 3 Ninjas/Home Alone/America's Funniest Home Video style. When you add that winning formula to Chuck Norris beating the crap out of construction workers, you’ve got a movie. When you factor in that he can turn into an eagle and claw them in the face, you’ve got a fuckin’ MOVIE.Don’t get me wrong here, Forest Warrior is a terrible movie. I had more fun thinking about the subtext of everything as I was watching this. It actually looks like Norris is having a lot of fun here. I don’t think he would have done this movie unless he wanted to. But it’s weird seeing him balance his die hard Republican beliefs with a message about conservation. There was never a Forest Warrior 2 where he protected the Anwar forest from oil drilling. About the time you start thinking too hard about the movie, something totally ridiculous happens. My personal favorite moment like that? When for no discernable reason a bunch of the lumber jack dudes start dancing around and playing their chainsaws like electric guitars to a really dumb rock song. For like… 5 minutes.Seriously, just watch the trailer for the movie. Watch it until the very end.P.S. Thanks to my wife Miranda for having the gumption to watch this.