Today we continue our 12 Days of The Movie Advocate Series with a look at 6 movies we're not quite sure why we saw this year.
Ryan's List:
6. The Muppets
I loved it, but it made me feel like I was a million years old. It’s like I could feel my hair turning gray around my temples as the children in the theater began to grow restless around 40 minutes in. Fozzie’s jokes weren’t landing with them… I don’t even think they knew who Kermit was. Hindsight is 20/20, and I should have just waited for the DVD so I could’ve watched it by myself and pretended I was 7. Also I kind of think Jason Segal is a piece of shit, so I could have fast-forwarded through his parts.
5. Paranormal Activity 3
I know! You don’t have to even say it. I’m embarrassed for me too. The question I have about the Paranormal Activity series is not, “What’s up with this haunted family?”, it’s “WHY DO THEY VIDEOTAPE GODDAMN EVERYTHING??”
4. Unrelated to Movies, but I Have Now Watched 13 Episodes of The Vampire Diaries on Netflix.
Presented without comment.
3. The Day I Took Too Many Decongestants & Watched Saw 2, 4, & 6 (maybe 5?) on Netflix
Ummmmmmm, am I the only one who knows how fucking confusing these bitches are? There are hundreds of characters, and they ALL look like Eric Roberts, and have police jobs, and sometimes Jigsaw is alive but sometimes he’s not, but seriously WTF? You need a Master’s Degree in Horrible Screenwriting just to keep up. I saw the first one a hundred years ago and thought, “Sick day! I can finally catch up on the Saw movies! Why watch them in order?!” LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Why on earth do they use Roman numerals in the titles?! I watched II, easy – then IV because I thought it was five, but I think it’s really four, then I watched VII which is maybe seven but might as well been an un-subtitled telenovela set in a dirty warehouse. Fuck.
2. Insidious
I mean what the fuck. The Further? It was an incomprehensible disaster. I am only marginally sure it came out in 2011, but it should have come out NEVER. Rose Byrne, you are fined – good thing about Bridesmaids OR ELSE. I can’t believe I paid ONE WHOLE DOLLAR at Redbox for this mess.
1. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Seriously why did I see this? It seemed like such a good idea on that lazy Sunday in July. “Hey! Do you wanna go see a 3D movie? It has air-conditioning!” I said to The Boyfriend. Then we spent the next 8 hours of our lives watching a barely comprehensible, blurry, dim pile of crap… and yet! I sorta kinda had fun, but I’m ashamed to admit it. Something about a whole bunch of people all together on a hot summer day in a dark theater watching the worst piece of shit ever, and enjoying it. Shia LeBeauf though. Ugh. We need to put a stop to that.
Justin's List:
6. Vamp
OK, so I actually know why I saw every movie on this list. I'm going to tell you why I saw them, and why I should have known better.
An 80's teen sex romp starring Grace Jones as a vampire stripper with Long Duck Dong from 16 Candles as a supporting character. Of course I watched it. Jones was in about 10 minutes of the movie, and the rest was absolutely insufferable.
5. Octaman
A 1950's style monster movie repackaged as a 1970's Jaws rip-off featuring a guy in a rubber octopus suit. This was the most insanely front loaded movie I've ever seen. The first hour was absolutely hilarious, but the last half hour dragged worse than Manos.
4. Green Lantern
I know exactly why I watched this, I'm a HUGE Green Lantern fan. So much so, that I'm incapable of telling you if the movie was good or not. In general, any movie plot that takes more than a sentence or two to summarize is doomed to failure. Green Lantern had a 5 minute info dump at the beginning to catch people up to speed. I liked it, but not a lot of other people did.3. Action Jackson
I watched this after re-watching Arrested Development. Take a generic 80's action vehicle, add some Carl Weathers, Vanity, and some explosions and you've got a stew goin' baby!
2. 976-Evil 2
This was the most bat-shit crazy movie I've seen this year. I meant to write about this after I saw it, but didn't for some stupid reason. Robert Englund directed the first 976-Evil movie, which wasn't very good. In that one, a satanic phone horror scope hotline revealed the future to people. In the sequel, the killer from the first movie is promptly locked up in jail. From his cell, he astrally projects and kills all kinds of innocent nubile PYTs. This is a total early 90's Skinemax movie. There are boobs in literally, the first minute of the movie, and then never again. My favorite scene involved a roadhouse, a possessed stripper, and a demonic voice. You do the math.
1. Enter the Void
By FAR the worst movie I saw this year, and quite possibly my least favorite movie of all time. Like watching someone play a shitty video game, a Windows Meida Player Visualization, and an anti-drug PSA all at once. I'm completely baffled by how much attention and love this movie got. I really wanted to like this movie, I even had a dream about how watching it and loving it. Huge mistake. Maybe I didn't like it because I wasn't on any drugs at the time. I'm not sure what drugs it would take to get me to like this movie, or how much I'd need to take. I dunno, the credits at the beginning were kind of cool.
Luke's list:
Here it is roughly in order. From least disliked to most hated. --Let me first say that I have a really hard time saying that I hated a movie, and that when I go on record as saying I disliked a movie, I do so will no ill will. I feel as though there are legitimate issues with the movie that, for whatever reason, were not resolved before the movie made it to the screen. Okay, here's my list:
6. We Are the Sea
As much as I hate to call out a Hollywood blockbuster, I doubly hate to talk poorly about a movie with local ties. I felt that We Are the Sea was poorly paced with an unlikeable protagonist. While visually pleasing, I found nothing within the protagonist with which I could either relate to or sympathize with.
5. Cool World
I wrote up this movie earlier this year. See that here.
4. The Initiation of Professor Kimmer
A movie that not only has local ties, but is entirely a product of an underground film scene here in town. A friend of mine happened to assist with it, so I saw it. TIoPK is also poorly paced with an unrelatable protagonist. The story follows a new college professor, Kimmer, who becomes seduced by a group of fellow professors who happen to be members of a coven of witches. The witches wish to kill Kimmer. There were a large amount of plot holes, so most of that description is honestly guess work. It was clearly an homage to B-movies of yore, but without any of the style, heart, or ingenuity present in older, classic B-movies. There was no apparent motive for the witches, the characters lacked any semblance of depth, the lighting was such that, at times, it was difficult to make out what was actually occurring on screen. It was a film that really felt like a lot of effort had been put into it, but that the team have not quite found their footing as far as producing a finished product goes. I have to also mention that, though I myself am not Wiccan, I found myself highly offended by a line that spoke more about the forethought put into the movie than anything else. The line in question, delivered by a witch defending her sacrificial actions, was something along the lines of "It's called Witchcraft. It's a religion. You've probably never heard about it." This is after the witches labeled themselves Wiccan. Come on guys, look into this stuff a little more before you make a movie about it.
3. I Am Nancy
This movie could have been really cool. It started off promising, with Heather Langenkamp seemingly going on a journey to discover why the focus of so many horror movies with the "final girl" trope seems to focus more on the antagonist/monster than it does on the actual main character. There could have been an incredibly in depth conversation regarding topics such as male gaze, misogyny, etc. Instead we get Heather Langenkamp awkwardly asking fans, or friends, why they don't like her. I hope she follows up this documentary with another one that digs deep into the genre and asks questions that really delve deep into not only American culture, but maybe even the human psyche.
2. Let Me In
I'm pretty sure I saw this movie last year, but I'm 1) sort of at a loss as to what else I should put on this list, and 2) still rather pissed off at this movie. It is almost the best example of a complete and utter waste of time. There are three other movies that come to mind, but only one of which I saw in the last year, which is my #1. I don't care enough about this movie to dedicate any more thought to it.
1. Enter the Void
No. No no no no no. and Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. While the colors are nice, please never see this movie. I cannot stress enough that this movie is a COMPLETE waste of time. The movie is from the perspective of the protagonist. Maybe 6, or 7 things actually occur in this movie. One of them is SPOILER watching the protagonist's sister during copulation. From the inside of her vagina. Remember, you're seeing this through his eyes. And it goes on forever. SPOILER ENDS. Everything goes on FOREVER. you see so many overhead shots of streets that it feels like you're playing GTA2. NEVER SEE THIS MOVIE.